Not about WOW

OK well today's blog is as it says..not really about WOW..it may get a mention but not for long hee!


What i want to talk about today,or just get off ma chest, is depression. I suffer from it and have battled with it for the past 2 yrs.It has probably been building up in me for longer than that. I went through a very,very low patch a year and a half ago leading to me having 10 months off work. Hence the prolonged wow playtime.

I, as health professional, have never truly understood how debilitating depression can be. I admit it because I think there are alot of people, not just healthcare professionals, who don't fully grasp it. I don't think this is totally down to ignorance,but more it is because it isn't a physical thing you can see.Yes it can manifest itself with physical symptoms, some of which I do suffer, but alot is internal and won't be so obvious.

As it is had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which I can totally recommend. it helped change my thought patterns and gave me a way in dealing with my depression,with me in control. The thing with depression is that the person has to do something about it. You cant wave a magic wand over someone and say 'there,there you will be happy'. A bit of responsibility for your own healthcare comes into play here. that is not so easy.

When you are in the depths of it, you get into the 'I can't be arsed' mood. Apathy is very hard to fight. So it is a double edged sword in knowing you need to do something, anything, but then don't have the energy or the motivation to do it. That pull is very,very strong. It isn't something people understand as alot just say 'well,go out and do this,go out and do that'...."OK, but right now my brain is so tired I'm fighting to keep my eyes open, my hair is a mess because it needs washing and i cant find the energy to wash it. On top of that, my legs are shaking, I feel very anxious and I am paranoid people will see it and I cant face anyone right now'

This is where I am at the moment, I am having a low period, why? not quite sure. Partly maybe because seeing this woman has stressed me as she wants more than me, and even though I knocked it on the head she has managed to get the 'let's do casual' out of me. Thing is..I was sad when i ended it, then I was happy when it went casual, but now I am sad again, coz I know she wants more and I don't. So to end it again? I don't know..right now I cant make that decision.

Other reasons? Work is very stressful, which I can usually cope with, but it is more so recently with people leaving and staffing being low..not that that stops people coming in,managers piling on unnecessary stress with everyone, which totally gets on everyone's nerves. Besides that,the cases we have been having in recently have been harrowing so it takes it's toll.The uncertainty of our future in A&E is hard to keep you motivated as well.

The weather? yes i think that hasn't helped..raining all the time it stops me going out, and it looks depressing..

So, how to break it? Looking at what I am writing, it is full of 'I can'ts' and negativity. So now I have to challenge that. Do something positive..but I cant be bothered. No win situation isn't it? it takes one hell of a push to get started in fighting depression,it feels like you are running through treacle..so I shall just take it slowly. I have made a plan now to try and fight this.I will help myself..even if i cant be bothered!

So, what is my plan? Well today is a little housework and exercise day. I am going to do my washing and change my bedding..then I am going to do some sit ups and toning exercises..does this sound alot? no..but to me I can achieve it..and if I achieve it..then I win..if i win  that is positive..and hey ho I can slowly build me up again. My other bit of the plan is to play WOW (see it does get a mention!) except it is down for extended maintenance..bah!get it sorted Blizz..not goooooooddd every week..

OK so now I have waffled on about it all..I have sat here and cried today already,tried to get in at my G.P's to no avail and thought about what to do..so wish me luck in getting started on all this and I shall keep you posted!